September 17th, 2003

Here’s a nice little sendup from the St. Paul Pioneer Press of one of the world’s most annoying varieties of self-important, self-satisfied jackass: the guy who brags about how he doesn’t watch TV.

I’ve got nothing against people who don’t watch TV. In fact, I wish I watched a bit less of it. But I have no patience for the kind of person who feels like he’s got to tell you about how he doesn’t watch, how he’s better than you for not watching, and how TV is bad for you. I’ve even less use for those folks who go around telling people about how they don’t even own a TV. (Again, no problem with not owning a TV, it’s just the bragging about it that goes up my ass.)

Look, folks, you’re not proving anything to anyone except that you’re a pretentious fuck. And no one likes a pretentious fuck except, of course, for other pretentious fucks. Plus, just so you know, the other pretentious fucks don’t really like you either. They make fun of you behind your back (thinks he’s smarter than he is; doesn’t really understand Joyce; made an allusion to Regan when he really meant Goneril; ha, ha, ha, what a ninny; that sort of thing). I know this because I’ve been nearby when it happened. I was the guy at the next table engaged in a conversation about football or Three’s Company, the guy you and your pretentious pals all rolled your eyes at (even though I knew you meant Goneril, too, but I was keeping my mouth shut). I was listening to your conversation far more closely than you were listening to mine. Then you left to go to that reading by that poet no one else thinks is any good (yes, I know your pals all told you they had tickets to the symphony that night, but they were lying) and they sat there for a while and sniped at you behind their backs (because they’re as cowardly as you are). So I know what the other pseudo-intellectuals really think of you. It isn’t what you like to think. And it certainly isn’t pretty.

Anyhow, this guy Matt Peiken isn’t the greatest writer who ever lived or anything, but he does a nice job of subtly sticking it to a group of people who deserve to have it stuck to them. My favorite bit is where he has the purse snatcher run past him as he watches rather than acting like a decent person and doing something. Nice little dig.

p.s. To all you “I only watch PBS” types: Everyone knows you’re full of shit. Just thought you’d like to know.

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