March 23rd, 2004

What’s Wrong With People, Part 5,689

Here’s one more reason to stay home, away from the idiot humans. (Link via The Obscure Store.) That’s a link, by the way, to a story about a 51-year-old man in Michigan who was severely beaten by some loudmouth whom he’d shushed in a movie theater. The talker reportedly got louder after the shushing, then went on to assault the shusher. The attacker is under arrest and facing pretty serious criminal charges.

In case you, too, are unclear on how it’s supposed to work, here’s a little primer on being shushed in a movie theater:

Rule 1: Don’t get shushed in a movie theater. That is, keep your stinkin’ yap shut. You’re in a movie theater with a bunch of other people who have paid to see and hear a movie. No one wants or needs to hear your conversation. If you’re not enjoying the movie, or if you’ve got something that needs discussing immediately, amble on out to the lobby and talk to your heart’s content.

Rule 2: If you put yourself in the position of having to be shushed in a movie theater (or at a quiet concert, or at a reading, or at any other event or function at which you’re supposed to shut up and listen), your job is to be embarrassed. You say to the shusher something like, “Oh, I’m very sorry.” And then you shut up. That’s it. Maybe you apologize again after the movie is over if you’re feeling particularly like a jackass. But you’re done talking until the movie ends.

Rule 3: This is a big one, so try to pay attention. If someone shushes you in a movie theater your reaction should not be to get louder, harass them and then beat them. This is extremely bad form. If you are the type of person who is inclined to beat someone for shushing you in a movie theater, here are some things you should think of doing instead: A) Get help. Psychological help. With your anger. You need it. B) If you can’t bring yourself to get help, think seriously about throwing yourself off a bridge. A big bridge. No one will ever miss you. Not for a minute. But be polite for once in your useless, meaningless life: Make sure no one is passing under the bridge when you jump. We want to be rid of you, not some unfortunate, random passerby. C) If you won’t get help and can’t throw yourself off a bridge (are you absolutely certain you can’t throw yourself off a bridge?) lock yourself in a little box. As small as you can fit into. Because people like you should be locked in little boxes. Only, no one’s gonna do it for you (cruel and unusual punishment and all), so you should really think about doing it yourself.

Rule 4: If someone shushes you in a movie theater, and your reaction is to beat him severely and then flee, threatening the theater manager as you depart, please spare the rest of us the nonsense about how the shusher attacked you. You’re not fooling anyone. You’re going to get locked up (if, sadly, not in a little box) and with any luck the nice fellows in the Aryan Brotherhood will teach you some manners once you get to prison. You made your bed, now lie in it.

That’s our lesson for today, class. You may return to what you were doing (so long as it wasn’t talking in a movie theater or beating some poor, innocent guy who was just trying to enjoy a movie with his wife).

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